Survival

I've begun an adventure to live 3000 miles away from my lifelong home, accompanied by my 13-year old son.  My husband remains in Alaska with my family on a multi-generational homestead where I grew up, while our son and I explore living in Northern California near his family.  I've traveled south to seek sun, heat, and new opportunities. Along the way, I'm sharing my journey about pursuing dreams, discovering what matters most in life, and finding the strength to be brave in the face of uncertainty.  For me, healing and strength are often found in simple pleasures and frequent communion with nature, so join me as we embark into the outdoors to reveal what's inside of us.

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SURVIVAL

(keep breathing)

"Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

It's not totally unfitting that today is the day that I feel relieved to be a survivor.  After all, for Americans in my generation, the date September 11th is forever marked in our memories as a reminder of the importance of surviving.  The instinct to survive and protect was etched in our psyche in 2001 due to acts of hatred, but our emotional take-away of that day is so often grounded in finding community amidst the suffering.  It was the kind of day that everyone remembered exactly what they were doing the moment they became aware of the tragic events happening in New York City, the needless and confusing deaths of innocent people at the hands of closed-minded individuals.  I remember picking up my infant son in my arms, while watching the tragedy unfold on TV, and feeling the need to protect him from some faceless threat.  I felt lucky that day to survive, to be near my family, and to be in Alaska, which seemed worlds away from danger, yet surprisingly vulnerable.

Thirteen years later, today, I feel grateful again to have come out on the other side of an emotional trial.  For the past five weeks, my son and I have lived three thousand miles from our safe place in Alaska, and from our family.  Thankfully, though, they still bring us comfort, and I am realizing the irreplaceable role they have always played in our lives.  As I negotiate my way through the hoops and obstacles of being a single-parent in a new place and with a new job, I am often overwhelmed by stress and responsibility.  Yesterday, I felt at an all-time low, ready to pack my bags and retreat home.  I was sure I would not survive the collapse of my resolve to see this schoolyear through in California.  The urge to return home was immense and near-debilitating.  As with all survival stories, though, I made it through my  crushing doubt and found the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep breathing in and out, until the day was done.  I reached out to my parents and found exactly the kind of support I needed to press on toward a more hopeful and stable place.  Hearing their empathetic and encouraging voices was the sustenance I needed to renew my resolve. Their humble acceptance of my decisions was enough to allow me to refocus my intentions.

I realized that, as my dad said, "the weather is nice somewhere in the world any day of the year, but family is only in one place; relationships can't be replaced."  The biggest question I came to California to contemplate, became clearer through my homesickness.  What is most fulfilling to me, nice weather or proximity to family? It seems that family satisfies something in my heart that weather can't do alone.  I'm far more social than I realized and quality time with loved ones fills a deep well in me even on the coldest days, whereas a perfectly pleasant day in outdoor paradise feels somewhat hollow without loved ones to share it with.  Only one month into my California adventure, this seems like an unfortunate epiphany to have, but I don't think so.  It is a step toward knowing myself better and knowing what I need to live a fulfilled life.  I don't think it is the last lesson to be learned in California, by far!  This is a lesson of great importance that will be further shaped by all the other lessons to come.  It is an answer which I am grateful to have, as I am grateful to have survived the emotional process it took to reach it.  Now, I keep moving forward to honor this event and count myself a survivor.  There is more to experience to come and more to be learned.