I've begun an adventure to live 3000 miles away from my lifelong home, accompanied by my 13-year old son. My husband remains in Alaska with my family on a multi-generational homestead where I grew up, while our son and I explore living in Northern California near his family. I've traveled south to seek sun, heat, and new opportunities. Along the way, I'm sharing my journey about pursuing dreams, discovering what matters most in life, and finding the strength to be brave in the face of uncertainty. For me, healing and strength are often found in simple pleasures and frequent communion with nature, so join me as we embark into the outdoors to reveal what's inside of us.
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Sustenance
(food for body and spirit)
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." - Robert Beault
I had this post already written, but then I erased it. I wrote about my desire for a "fresh-food-lifestyle" and being "rooted in a local-food culture" and about the "importance of something as little as picking a ripe apple from its mother tree" to tie it all together, but it read like fluffy nonsense. It felt shallow. It wasn't what I needed to say. So, I scrapped it.
What I think I needed to write about is all the searching ways in which I've been struggling to sustain myself on this so-called adventure in California. I needed to write about the messy side of how I was actually thinking and feeling.
Long before the time I picked the apples in these pictures, I was starving for something.
I tried to satiate my undefinable hunger with anything and everything I could get my hands on. I gobbled up apples like they were the cure to my emptiness; and road-trips were the cure; and quality time with new people was the cure; and sunshine was the cure; and the perfect job was the cure; and my son's happiness was the cure; and blogging about all of it was probably the cure to satisfying that aching hungry pit in me.
I think I did know then what I am pretty sure I know now...that none of those things were the cure. None of them provided complete, sustainable satisfaction. They were each nibbles, bites, maybe meals, on the path of this journey.
Each personally fulfilling experience provided the nutrition I needed to feed my mind, body, and soul...for a time, just long enough to crave the next experience.
I physically and mentally absorbed the essential nutrients from things like farmers market produce, friendship, and an occasional excursion out of town, but I noticed that, like an apple, the nutritional value only lasted for a bit. I didn't stop to contemplate why. I reasoned that only in repeating the input of these good experiential nutrients as often as possible was the key to creating the complete and sustaining diet I needed. After all, the old saying goes, "an apple a day..."
Naturally, I became an experience addict. I developed a voracious appetite for anything new.
I thought the answers to my deep questions lay in the satisfaction of the experiences themselves. I was still missing the underlying point of this good diet of happy-moment-meals, which was to feed the vital processes of my spirit and soul - where the true answers lay.
I was fixated too much on the satisfying experiences as the ends, rather than as the means to nourish bigger, deeper, more basic functions of myself. I was living to eat rather than eating to live.
Or, in other words, I was living to find happiness rather than finding happiness in living.
I needed to end my reliance on perfect happenings, and learn, instead, to perfect my own happiness from within.
And what I had within me was a lifetime of wonderful, nutrient-rich experiences that demonstrated my ability to find happy moments in a variety of circumstances. If I viewed the endless variety of events that could happen in my life as just various combinations of nutrients meant to feed my soul, then it didn't matter what happened so long as there was enough nutritional substance for me to extract what I needed.
Any nutrient-rich event could be used to fuel the process of my spirit creating happiness. There's no formula for a perfect happy-moment-meal, but I know it when it happens...and I'm grateful.
I think my point is that I don't know what events will provide answers, or will become touchstones to future pathway decisions. I never can tell, until I look backward, what little things have become big things.
I'm like Johnny Appleseed scavenging wild apples
from an untamed forest floor, tasting the bounty,
saving the best seeds, and sowing them along my path.
I am as surprised as everyone else when something I've done produces good results.
So, I just make my choices, enjoy the happenings, and send all the valuable nutrients down into my soul where I see how it makes me feel. The answers come from down in me, hidden from the external events, but fed by them. The answers are my own and my choices are perfect, because I made them. They can't be any other way. Good or bad, I make my choices and reap the harvest from the small seeds I've planted along the way.



























































